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The 5 Dumbest Moments in Metal Gear Solid 4: Guns of the Patriots

This is at least meant to be comical. (Right? Please?)

Editorial by Ravi Singh, Posted on September 01, 2008

Despite the high scores that got shat out by the media for Metal Gear Solid 4: Guns of the Patriots (some of which, in my opinion, the game does deserve) it's not perfect. So all that's left is to point out some fucking dumb things like I did for previous titles in the series. Well, I didn't do this sort of thing for Portable Ops, but that's because I would never be able to finish it.

I can point out things like how Ocelot had somebody build a Mt Rushmore-like object on the side of his Arsenal Gear, or the fact that your weapon of choice might be switched by a fucking Operator or M4, but why waste your time? I'm going to focus on things you probably haven't really thought about in regards to stupid shit in Guns of the Patriots. Then again, some things are just too fucking dumb to ignore, such as…

#5 INSTALLING GAMES

"Do not leave the disc in a hot or humid place such as near a heater or inside a car." Or how about inside my PLAYSTATION 3 while it's fucking installing for the 18,298,127th time?!?!

You know, there was one thing I hated during the late 1990's about video games… loading screens. By the time of the PlayStation 2, though, not only were we used to loading times, but they actually were improved by far thanks to the DVD format. Then the PlayStation 3 comes in with it's fucking 2X Blu-ray drive to slow things down.

Now it would be unfair of me to blame Metal Gear Solid 4 for things that are actually issues with the hardware. It's like bitching that the original Metal Gear games were 8-bit. Nor would it be fair to bitch about installing Metal Gear Solid 4 in general. Without the installation, the loading times would be even worse than they already are.

No, the problem with Metal Gear Solid 4: Guns of the Patriots' installations is the fact that they never end unless you don't want to play the game any more. Most of you did not even realize this until you beat the game and wanted to do another run. Yeah, more installing. See, even on a PC, when you run an installation, you're fucking done unless you have to download an update or something. Guns of the Patriots is not updating anything–it's overwriting a previous installation. This is an endless loop of installations.

Yeah fuck you, jackass.

Why, Konami? I can understand having this as an option for those who are conservative about their useless harddrive space, but most of us would rather have one fat installation file and leave it at that. Instead, we have to deal with Snake smoking every time we want to play an act that is not currently installed.

The fact that Otacon has the fucking nerve to make fun of Metal Gear Solid's disc swap due to 1998 technology is a bigger slap in the face. It takes less than a minute to open the PlayStation's CD tray (or press EJECT on the PlayStation 2, PlayStation 3, PC running an emulator, etc), take out the disc, put it back in it's case, take out the disc labeled DISC TWO, put it in the tray, close the tray (or press EJECT again) and press start. The installations, on the other hand, take at least one minute and must be done five times through every playthrough. As cute as it was, the "TIME TO CHANGE THE DISC LOL" comment is like George W. Bush making a joke about how his father handled the 1991 Gulf War.

#4 RETURN OF ROSEMARY

If the fact that Snake can only call two people on his codec isn't enough to make Metal Gear veterans to go "What," how about the fact that one of them is Rosemary, who offers advice that all basically comes down to obvious shit?

NO, FUCK YOU!

Low health means low psyche!

Eating good food makes you feel good!

Unless you're in the shade, you'll be hot!

It's stressful when the enemy is looking for you!

Carrying a bunch of shit will feel heavy!

Listen to your iPod!

Blah blah blah!

The only reason why you should bother calling the bitch is for the conversation where Snake actually hangs up on her, and if you're into this sort of thing, the fact that her tits will bounce when you shake your SIX-AXIS. Too bad all she has is a wardrobe of five sweaters that are thin enough to have her nipples pop out. Campbell knows how to deal with Rose the best… by keeping her in the kitchen.

#3 RETURN OF DOCTOR MA… WHAT THE FUCK HE'S SUPPOSED TO BE DEAD!

In the classic Metal Gear games there was a fellow by the name of Dr. Ivo Pettrovich Madnar. He had a beard, a daughter, and was forced to make Metal Gear TX-55, which was indestructible unless you placed explosives on it's feet in a certain order. What? Anyways after being rescued by Solid Snake, he randomly decided that TX-55 was fucking bad-ass and so he decided to find Big Boss… and turn him into a fucking cyborg!

No, I'm not even going to get into that because it was never even mentioned in Guns of the Patriots. Big Boss–cyborg or not–was thrilled to see Madnar and let him build Metal Gear D, which was more easily destroyed but could actually shoot missiles and stuff, for Zanzibar Land. When Solid Snake infiltrates Zanzibar Land, Madnar decided to play the bitch and act like he was a hostage along with the real hostage who conveniently could not speak any of the 100 or so languages Solid Snake is apparently fluent in.

This is Snake's reaction to hearing a name of a man who should be dead by his own hands god damn it.

Long story short, Madnar killed this hostage and then decided it would be genius to jump on Solid Snake and fucking hump him to death while choking him. Solid Snake, however, is no ordinary man. He decided to get the asphyxiating cunt off of him by running over mines and firing missiles at his back. All of that is fine for a 1990 game. He finally falls off and starts being all like "oh man my daughter wouldn't like walking nuclear tanks and shit" and then he passes away.

Except he didn't. He instead passed out, only to wake up later, walk out, take the elevator back up, and leave Zanzibar Land, turning Raiden into a fucking cyborg ninja years later to save his life. Now what makes this dumb? Isn't it cool how they actually made a reference to one of the classic titles?

Well first off, Solid Snake doesn't seem to show any sign that he has at least heard the fucking name "Madnar" before. Second, how old is this fucker now? He's old in 1995. He's really old in 1999. God damn. What about his daughter, Ellen? Did she ever get married like he dreamed? Why was he not found by The Patriots, considering that it was known to FOX-HOUND that he was working for Big Boss? Plus, what the fuck, does he live next door to Big Momma or some shit?

It doesn't matter. For no reason at all, the guy's back. Of course, they could have at least thrown in a "Madnar?!" from Snake, or just referred to Madnar as a "she" implying that his daughter is a cybernetics expert. But no, they just drop his name and leave it at that. While Big Boss' resurrection is due to some hilarious antics and amateur plastic surgery, at least they explain it. Madnar's ability to survive some missiles and mines needs none, according to Kojima.


This happened sometime between Snake's battle with Metal Gear D and him leaving behind Holly White's warmed up pussy.

Then again, it could have been worse. They could have somehow made it seem like he was Sokolov.

#2 DREBIN'S BEDTIME STORIES

…and her VERB!

Drebin is one swank ass motherfucker. He knows how to dress, talk, save awful weddings, and make people trust him enough to let him inject some shit in them, such as nanomachines. He also either has a fatty erection for the Beauty and the Beast Unit, or likes to write fanfiction about them, because every time Snake takes one down, he decides to call him and explain everything.

Which is fine, except for the fact that it's practically the same fucking sob story. See for yourself. All you have to do is fill in the words, push the button, and you'll get yourself a nice story in a pop-up. Just imagine Khary Payton reading it as Drebin:







Throw in a "oh hay nice weapon keep it bro no charge lol" once in a while to freshen it up, and you've got yourself an endless supply of backstories for the Beauty and the Beast Unit members.

#1 ACT 3: THIRD SUN

"Snake? Who's that? I'm just a guy wearing a suspicious coat who doesn't want my nanomachines to be checked! Nope, nothing to see here!"

Yes. The entire fucking act is the dumbest moment of Metal Gear Solid 4: Guns of the Patriots. This even beats the awful wedding scene Drebin manages to save. Instead of listing each and every reason as to why this is so, I decided that in order to be fair, I have to give this a full walkthrough.

First off, the briefing introduces the fact that Dr. Madnar is still alive. This already puts the Act to not a good start. Even if you dismiss the briefings, how about this certain scene? Yeah, here's Snake disguising himself by… looking younger. Good one, Plisken. What the fuck are you going to do when they try to do a nanomachine check?

Oh, good idea. Just refuse to be checked. This works in airports all the time when you don't want to be searched when you are "randomly" selected. Sure, Snake still manages to get through thanks to Meryl, but was he expecting her? What the fuck was the plan, man? Is putting a cigarette in your mouth and putting your hands out there code for "it's chill bro"?

Anyways after some "don't do it America fuck yeah," "No I must do it," and "Fuck you, old man" shit, Snake finally gets outside right in time for…

…a curfew. So instead of sneaking around in an environment much like the fucking awesome end of Act 2, the game makes up an excuse as to why the streets of this unnamed Eastern European town are filled exclusively with soldiers and rebels all quietly walking around. Also–surprise–your disguise doesn't work anymore. Why they even let you get out of the train station is beyond me.

Now some of you might be all like "Yeah well you probably hate it because it's not a shooting level." No, not at all. I appreciate the environment a lot, it's got that film-noir look. But no, the sneaking thing isn't what annoys me because, for the most part, there's very little because while looking like Snake in any form will trigger an alert with the PMC troops…

…looking like anybody else, even if it's as ridiculous as Raiden or one of the Beauty and the Beasts, is chill as long as you're not equipped with a weapon. Oh, the stun knife Snake's holding? They don't care as long as it's not actually equipped. They can tell.

Anyways, so I walk around and, who's this? Some guy? A resistance member! I have to follow him!

Wait, why do I have this stupid shit? Let's equip the Solid-Eye. Okay, much better. Now I guess no matter how I look, this guy will either run like a pussy or decide to fight me using his shit weapons. So I better stay back. Here's the thing though…

Why does he have weapons? When he's spotted by the PMC, he knows his limits and puts his hands up.

Another issue with all of the resistance members is that there are certain parts of this town in which they will not go on any further until Snake takes out the PMC guards. If these resistance members always take a walk to Big Momma's house (ha) every night for a meeting, how the fuck did they manage without Snake? Plus, if he doesn't want to get caught, why does he fucking whistle? How do the PMC troops manage to NOT hear the whistling? Seriously.

It's a shame that such a huge fucking stage is dedicated to Snake trailing an idiot and taking out deaf guys. So, since I've already beaten the game before and I know where Big Momma's house is at, I'll just run up there myself.

Okay, cool, we're here. That was quick. Fuck the resistance members. Anyways, let's get in…

Oh god damn it!

Fuck! Well, maybe this isn't so bad. Where's the nearest resistance member? Time to pull out the most useless fucking item next to the S-Plug… oh what he's back in the beginning of the act?!!?! Are you shitting me?! Those fuckers barely moved! What the fuck! You are forced to fucking follow the resistance to Big Momma's house! So, going all the way back to the beginning, let's follow one of these shits to Big Momma's house.

Okay things are going fine so far. Why is he going in there?

What the fuck?! He has a PMC disguise?! WHY DIDN'T HE FUCKING USE IT IN THE FIRST PLACE?! Whatever, with my emoXwolf face on, all I have to make sure is that he doesn't see me, because everyone else is hard for a black woman with a manly build, a knife, and some shit on her neck walking around during curfew hours.

Seriously.

"I DON'T GET OFF MY BIKE UNTIL I FALL IN LOVE OR DIE": Snake wonders if Big Momma already gave her consent to incest.

Okay, we're passed the boring stuff. Now for some cutscenes… oh some revelations Snake doesn't even ask about. Basically in a ninety minute cutscene (just kidding) we find out that: The Patriots were run by most of the cast of Snake Eater, Big Momma is Eva who is Snake's mother, one of the few black characters in the series happens to be the same guy as another black character, Zero is a dick, and there is a religion of Big Boss that people like Ocelot follow. Oh, and looks like you've been trailed. One of the cool things about this act is that, sometimes, you can notice someone trailing you. Too bad you were too frustrated by the fucktarded resistance member to notice this.

Anyways, you ride with mommy to someplace and the game pretty much turns into a rail-shooter. Which starts off promising with all the Gekkos and all, but in the end they can't do shit to you. Neither do the flying things that appear in the last segment of this bike chase, aside from one part. No, you only have to worry about a few enemies in key locations. On the NORMAL difficulty, you can get by simply using AUTO-AIM and just firing your weapons throughout the segment.

OLD SNAKE – "Oh yeah I totally remember that mission, Big Momma." Somebody who never played Snake Eater in his/her life – "What."

Then the bike crashes and Eva once again finds herself raped by a huge thing that goes through her (which is totally a coincidence, or the Patriot AIs did it because they liked Snake Eater a lot). Whatever. Either way Snake gets a flashback… wait what the fuck? It's Big Boss' flashback! Well that makes no sense. Why even put it in there? People who have played Snake Eater before would recognize the coincidence, but people who have never played Snake Eater before would end up pressing "X" a bunch of times only to go "What?" Either way, like before, Eva manages to survive the ridiculous injury, this time with no first aid. Wow. Health care must be amazing in this unnamed Eastern Europe town. Oh, now Eva says "promise me you'll come back" or some shit. Flashback time. Too bad most people wouldn't even recognize the same exact line from Snake Eater.

Snake goes up and fights Raging Raven. This boss fight is not dumb or bad at least when compared to the rest of the game so we can skip to the part where he comes back and all is well since Big Boss was NEVER IN THE FUCKING VAN YOU WERE PROTECTING USING ONE FUCKING HAND DURING THE BIKE CHASE SEQUENCE! Nope, he was just floating about in a river. Totally 100% safe with no chance of getting picked up by Liq–oh fuck.

SPOILER: The new FOX-DIE was programmed to kill Ocelot when he takes his shirt off in Act 5.

Yeah here's Liquid, smoking a cigar like Big motherfucking Boss. He goes on about some lame shit about shadows and light, as he usually fucking does considering his speech when he first meets Solid Snake (oh wait, that's not Liquid, nevermind), except this time it's like "what the fuck?" Anyways, he beats up Snake, talks shit, wastes an apple, rides on a boat, and then finger bang bangs everyone except for Johnny Sasaki who becomes more important of a character than even Dr. Pettrovich himself. What the fuck?

Oh, and Eva is so wet for Big Boss that she jumps in a fire. Too bad it's revealed later that she knew it was Solidus Snake. What a crazy whore. Also, if Ocelot ends up dying from FOX-DIE later in the game… how come it doesn't do shit to him here?

God damn it, Act 3. God. Damn it. You had potential. You really did. You even pulled some moments from previous games as well!


SHIT JUST GOT SERIOUS.


Follow an idiot around to find the place you need to get to, even if you already know how to get there.


Having a slut drive you around. For embarrassment purposes, Big Boss rides bitch while Solid Snake gets a ride with his mommy.


Shoot damn it!


Okay, perhaps I'm grasping right now

In the end, you became the dumbest moment of Metal Gear Solid 4: Guns of the Patriots. Congratulations. I'm sure all of the countries that make up Eastern Europe would be proud.

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