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Why we should not stop at just remaking Metal Gear Solid: April Fools 2019

Time to move on, and not just from this either!

Editorial by Saul Ed Sinek, Posted on April 1, 2019

UPDATE APRIL 1, 2021: NOW A MAJOR PRINT VOLUME, available at bookstores worldwide.

There is some controversy over the possibility of another remake of Metal Gear Solid. Not only do we already have The Twin Snakes (which I enjoyed but some hipsters didn’t, jokes on you by the way, copies go for hundreds of dollars on eBay), but Hideo Kojima has since moved on (#FUCKKONAMI) so he won’t be overseeing it. Instead of arguing that we should be thrilled at another remake of Metal Gear Solid, I will instead argue that we should be encouraging everything be remade forever.

When was the last time you so much as looked at an authentic 8-bit era game sprite unironically? That’s what I thought. Actually, no, maybe you said “yes” to that question so let me ask you this: when was the last time you paid $60+ for a game entirely based on sprites? That’s what I thought.

Sorry kids, but it’s time to grow up. For the time being we, unfortunately, live in a capitalist society so money is sadly important. While things like lootcrates should be banned because I almost lost the kids from spending so much on them, it takes money for us to get new Metal Gears. But, it costs more money to create an all-new Metal Gear. It is also more risky. Porting old games like those 8-bit games, or even MGS3, is easy but who is going to pay $60? I would but my wife won’t let me. Diversity in consumption is the way forward, and most of us want remakes.

Nobody cares about Metal Gear 2.

So let’s make entirely new games that are heavily based on old games. We can even forget about Metal Gear and the second one because who played those NES games anyway? Just start with MGS1. New art style based on a modern cool look. Look bros, I liked MGS1 but the music was fucking terrible and sounded like my dad honking in his car at me whenever he was forced to pick me up at my mom’s. Now it can be full orchestral like MGSV. I can go on but at this point I know I’m playing to the crowd here because real Metal Gear fans want a MGS1 remake.

But stopping there would be short sighted. No, right after remaking MGS1 we need to go right into MGS2. Make Raiden female because it’s about time we PLAYED as a woman in a Metal Gear game. Also it would improve that Arsenal Gear part. Fix the ending to talk about fake news and maybe mention Trump as colluding with The Patriots by replacing Johnson with him. Use new footage of NYC. Then on to MGS3. You get where I’m going with this right?

So what happens when we remake MGSV? WE REPEAT THE CYCLE. By the time we get to the new MGSV, imagine how real the graphics are going to look, and how outdated the MGS1 remake will look. We can fix that. So that’s why we go ahead and make the third Metal Gear Solid remake. Then onto MGS2 and the rest again of course. All gamers have to do is to keep paying full price for an experience they know they will love because we all love going back to the same places again and again.

*sigh* Okay look I’m not talking about reboots here. I mean I would take a reboot of MGS but not only would it require a lot more brainpower behind it, but will it be the reboot I want? A remake of the entire series on the other hand will most likely have everything we love, adapted to modern tastes and glaring issues fixed.

But why stop at us gamers? This should apply to all media.

Gaming can lead a new era in entertainment where legacies never die. Imagine if instead of listening to the same old David Bowie records we just get a new David Bowie to remake his discography to modern tastes? I dunno about you but I’m looking forward to what version of “Starman” my child will listen to while playing their version of Peace Walker on the way to see their version of Star Wars: Episode III – Sith Are Back (note: in the future Disney changes the name of the Episode III starting with the third remake to make it sound less dark).

The newfound social concern surrounding cancel culture has us asking if it’s okay to enjoy entertainment that involves someone outed as a creep or racist. What I’m proposing is a total workaround as it doesn’t matter because we can easily replace them in the next remake. Was there something problematic in a game? No worries, we’ll remake it out the next time!

Remember the feels you got playing Act 4 of MGS4? We can keep on getting those feels every single generation!

One last note. Some people think this sort of thing would make it hard to keep track of games. Nonsense. The recent Resident Evil 2 remake has the same exact title as the original. Do you see any confusion? Of course not. If anything, people already make it clear which version they are talking about by using the year of release as an unofficial title. So next time some fool tries to pull this “argument” out of their dumbfuck “minimalist” wallet and they stand dumbfounded at your sound retort, tell them to “peep the date.”

Plus it doesn’t matter because the whole point is that the new one is the way forward. That’s what we want. Let the bitter old gatekeepers lounge around in their PJs scarfing down Trix, bickering about “the original” and “blah blah blah why not just make a new one or an original game.” We true gamers on the other hand won’t have enough time to troll and whine online because we’ll be busy playing Metal Gear Solid. The latest one, of course.

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