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Snake’s Revenge Sucked

Editorial by Ravi Singh, Posted in 2003

I shouldn’t even write this article. Snake’s Revenge: Metal Gear II for the Nintendo Entertainment System (NES for short) fucking sucked. This means that you like to read about things that suck. Wow. You suck.

Disappointing sequels are a common thing. Devil May Cry 2 made fans sob. It was ok, but not as great as the original. Reasons? It was too easy, the characters had different attitudes (Dante, the bad ass who talked shit to spiders in the original is now shy and says a sentence or two) the new moves were, well, useless, and it just didn’t have the appeal of the original. This can be blamed on Capcom giving this game to a new group of developers.

…and he takes steroids.

Well, thing is, Devil May Cry 2 was okay. I purchased it and I’m not weeping over the money I spent on it. Renting it wouldn’t make anyone mad either. Snake’s Revenge is different. You see, I’m pissed off that I wasted my time looking for and downloading the ROM file for free. Yeah, go ahead, arrest me. I deserve it for playing this game.

First off, Snake’s Revenge is not officially in the Metal Gear timeline anymore. I don’t think it ever was, really. Ever heard of Edward Penishands? It’s a porn based on Edward Scissorhands. From what I’ve heard… it sucks. I’m not a big fan of Edward Scissorhands either, but it’s not bad. A Johnny Depp-wannabe with penises for hands just creeps me out though. Likewise, Snake’s Revenge adds some random bullshit to make the game feel… so god damn 80′s in a creepy way. It’s not fucking Metal Gear 2 just like how Edward Penishands is not Edward Scissorhands 2.

Now what is the story of Snake’s Revenge? A rich terrorist with the name of… I can’t even spell his name. It’s so random. It’s like Ayatollah Khomeini, but not. Let’s just call him Athsadhjga Gfahjkdy because that’s easier to spell than his real name. It doesn’t even matter, for his name is only mentioned in the game manual. For all we know, his name was actually Chef Boyardee. Oh and don’t bother to e-mail me his real name. I can probably find it right now, but who cares?! The name I gave him sounds better! Now Athsadhjga took a crate of nuclear weapons and plans on taking over the entire world, though It’s hard to understand how nuclear weapons can do that. I mean destroy the world, yes. Take over – huh? Anyways a letter is sent to Solid Snake. Air Mail, MySpace, magic, I dunno, but Snake receives the message which says that they… yes, “THEY.” Could be FOXHOUND, the CIA, AC-DC, who knows. It’s just them, and you’re somehow a part of “them.”

I can’t see shit except for the circles that move, which, if I step into them, I can see the entire map, but trigger an alert. Damn!

Anyways, the letter says at the base that one of THEM is at, there’s a weapon. Yes, just a weapon. Meaning it can be a giant nuclear warhead or an unusually sharp pencil. Then the person who wrote the letter actually asks “Could it be Metal Gear, which you destroyed three years ago?” Well since Metal Gear is DESTROYED, obviously not, and why the hell is he asking you? How would you know? He’s the asshole that sent you the letter about it!

Well, by no surprise, it is Metal Gear (except they probably used super glue to remake it since you supposedly destroyed it though I only remember destroying a “Super Computer” in the NES version of Metal Gear, which this is supposed to be a sequel of, but whatever, this isn’t the page to bitch about that) but they pretend he “might” until the end of the game.

Yes, even though you see Metal Gear TX-55 (well, in Snake’s Revenge,  it’s called Metal Gear 1, but it’s actually TX-55) when you leave the title screen running to play the demos, you’re not supposed to know. It’s the dramatic climax of the game when you find out that, yes, this is the same fucking thing that you already destroyed.

Anyways… Gfahjkdy owns some place called “Fortress Fanatic” in a place called Ishkabibil. No, this time I didn’t make those names up. Ishkabibil is the actual place this Fortress thing is at. And the train. And the castle. And the desert. And the train. And the purple men.

This infant is supposed to help Snake with his mission.

After the letter, you then learn about your friends who will “help” you, one being a crazy guy who looks like a pirate, and some black guy who looks like a infant in profile view. Then you find out that you’re a martial arts expert. Whoa.

Hooray! Now I’m harmless from mines, since I found this device that enables me to see if there are mines eleven inches away from me! So I better walk slowly! Action-packed fun!

Too bad all you can do is punch. Does this mean that I’m a martial arts expert in real life as well, seeing as I, too, can punch? Time will tell. After the revelation about your martial art skills, you get sent into a jungle. Your friends literally ditch you. Snake looks like a loner, not knowing where to go or if he should follow his new “friends.” He just runs to the front and by now you can’t believe you’re playing such a lousy ass game. Then you wonder why you’re doing this mission if you’re in charge. You should be sitting behind a computer, drinking a cold glass of Cherry Coke, or if you are daring, Absolut, listening to some kind of apocalyptic folk or noise album, like I am doing right now – but instead you put on a construction worker’s uniform and go to the jungle with a handgun.

We bet you do, ass.

I don’t mind starting out with the gun. Makes more sense, really…

…what I do mind is the fact that one bullet kills all of the enemies. Well, besides bosses, of course. So your starting off with plenty of ammunition, and the best way to avoid the enemies is to kill them instead of the usual not-letting-your presence-be-known thing Metal Gear was about, but shhhhhh! By no means am I saying that games that aren’t stealthy are bad. Metal Gear games should be stealthy though.

…and with that random missile-type-thing exploding, I can suddenly see everything now in what was once the pitch black jungle! Technology these days…

The jungle is dark. Aside from your glowing 8-bit self, it’s completely black. Luckily, some random missiles hit the jungle, and after the missile hits, you can see everything. Don’t ask. Then men in small air hovering scooters arrive. Pretty soon you get to the dark jungle where no missile will hit to shed light. Instead, small spotlights let you see small areas. If you touch one, THEN you can see the entire jungle. Unfortunately, this also triggers an alert and middle eastern music. To tell you the truth, the music can almost redeem this game. It’s actually pretty catchy. Especially the alert music. Sometimes I just trigger an alert for the music. You should do so as well. The men rush towards you and you kill them until they stop. Trying multiple times, the spotlights are kind of impossible to avoid. Especially since you can’t see shit without their help. It’s like a blind guy making a deal with Satan, who plays middle eastern music on his Casio keyboard.

That’s just the beginning and hardly even the worse part though. There’s parts of the game where you, randomly, go into a side-scrolling mode.


Tactical Side-Scrolling Action?

…yeah, fuck this.

Now this is okay for small parts where you want to go up or down the elevator, which has been done in the original Metal Gear as well, except for two things:

First, Snake gets replaced by someone else. Maybe his stunt double. Actually, the character in this game can’t be the REAL Solid Snake. Has to be some phony ass high school-football quarterback that the development team was trying to pretend was Snake. I mean, would Snake wear orange to a sneaking mission? Anyways, the side-scrolling “Snake” is like a muscular, yet, skinny dude. He can crawl and he needs to jump in order to climb stairs. The “Snake” in the normal top-view perspective looks like some guy who will call you his “bro” despite there being no relation between you and him that is similar to anyway of that being a brother. He’s big, he’s buff, and he eats beef for desert. None of these can be the real Snake! The second thing about these side-scrolling things is trying to be stealthy. Yes, Snake can crawl. What happens when you come across stairs? You have to… jump on each step. What the fuck. Middle eastern music starts to get annoying after the 918,172nd time going through a side-scrolling sequence. You can only go one way in these parts and that makes you NEED to kill.


Top-View Snake
(Simpsons Yellow and Disfigured)

Side-Scroller Snake
(Drinks Brotein Shakes)

What about the pirate and the infant? Fuck them. Your allies are jackasses; as shown by John Turner, who tells you there aren’t any traps in the train. Then all of a sudden, the room’s floor is like evil. I don’t know exactly what it does, it just changes color and takes away your health. Thanks Turner. Fucking asshole. Then he sends another call telling you he’s in the third train car and that there are no enemies there. All of a sudden, four guards surround the area. Could he be a he’s a double agent, which you fight later on? Suspense!


Really? Ok. Dum dee doo dee da…

HOLY SHIT! YOU ASSHOLE! The floor is all.. weird! What do you mean there’s no trap?!

But you lied about the traps!!! Are you sure there are no… oh, what the fuck, I’ll forgive you.

I doubt that these men are enemies, for my reliable friend John Turner said there’s no enemies here. Hey! Why are you shooting at me?! That hurts!

DAMN! HELP! TOO MANY VERTICAL LINES! GOD! MY EYES!

I’m kind of lying since I improved Turner’s English. I actually improved everyone’s English here. It’s amazing that a game developed for the American audience has quotes like “There is no trap on the train.” Sure, not as bad as “I feel asleep” but that game was made for both Japanese and English-speaking audiences. Snake’s Revenge was made for Americans. Last time I checked, most Americans speak English. If I made a game for the Japanese, I’d get a good translator. Actually, no, I wouldn’t – just because of all the English games that were translated by Japanese elementary students who have been in English class for a week.

Even if you are daring enough to try to finish this horrid game, keep in mind that this game is hard. When you fire a bullet it can only go up to three feet from where you fired it and it disintegrates. All the guards can see you even better. Maybe it’s that orange suit? Of course not. That helps Snake be more stealthy! Some enemies are… robots with plasma cannons. Then there are the electric things that, well, electrocute you. If you stand in water, even if your head is above the surface, your oxygen goes down because you are drowning and you don’t even realize it! The boss battles are as hard as they are random. Wanted a rematch with Big Boss? Wish granted. Wanted Big Boss to become a cyborg robot thing? Huh?

I better not get caught by these men in purple suits! God knows what they’d do to me!

Now why is the game even called “Snake’s Revenge?” One of Snake’s “closest” friends die in the beginning. Which you never really know about unless you read the manual. Even if you do read the manual, you’re kind of don’t feel revengeful. …and why IS Big Boss in this game? And how come you never really meet Athsadhjga Gfahjkdy?! I don’t care if that was some gibberish written for the manual by some tweaker, I want to fight him AND avenge some dude’s death!

The graphics are okay, and then, not okay. It looks more detailed than the first Metal Gear, but a little too bright. Make that very bright. I mean, Snake is bright orange right now. Plus I wasn’t lying–there are guards later on in the game wearing bright purple.

If the game was called “Football Hero’s Revenge” and was about a college football quarterback who used to be a construction worker and became a spy, it wouldn’t be so bad. We wouldn’t expect the Metal Gear gameplay. We wouldn’t expect a good story. We might think it’s a rip-off of Flash Gordon, but then again, what isn’t a rip-off these days? We would ultimately expect a buff guy in orange trying to be a spy. And what d’ya know, that’s what Snake’s Revenge is. It’s really an okay game for the time, but it shouldn’t be considered a Metal Gear game, or it’s a piece of shit. Which is why on this site it’s considered to be quite shitty.

If you want a good laugh, find this game. The minute I saw who they were trying to pass off as “Snake” (that’s not Snake, that’s Arnold) and “LTD. SNAKE IS A MASTER AT MARTIAL ARTS” I fucking started to laugh so hard that I almost suffocated. Now if you want the actual sequel to Metal Gear, regardless if it was the MSX2 original or NES port, play Metal Gear 2: Solid Snake. You get to fight Big Boss in this one as well, except he doesn’t turn into a Power Ranger or whatever he turned into in Snake’s Revenge.

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