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Myth: Raiden doesn’t have a penis!

Fact: Whoever believes this is a dumbass and takes shit way too seriously. Shut off your video game console right now.

By Ravi Singh, Posted in 2004

Yes, some people actually believe that Raiden doesn’t have a shabangbang. Why the hell would such people believe such a thing?

Well, when Raiden was naked in Metal Gear Solid 2: Sons of Liberty, he covered his crotch, so you couldn’t see anything. But if you did a flip and paused the game while he was in mid-air, you could see that he doesn’t have anything there. To make the visual effect easier to accomplish, using GameShark cheats, the player could make his hands hold a hold instead of his crotch, thus exposing his crotchless… crotch.

But the myth gained more believers after The Document of Metal Gear Solid 2 was released. You were now able to move the camera at cutscenes, so you can rotate it at the interrogation scene and find Raiden’s genderless parts:


OMG GAYERZ!!!1

Congratulations. You found one of the MANY places the game developers weren’t expecting you to see during NORMAL PLAY of the game. Let’s play pretend for a while. You work for KCEJ (now called Kojima Productions) now and you are assigned to make a character model. For some blonde guy. Nude. Wait, nude? Don’t get too excited you sickass, the crotch will NOT be seen in the game. Either the character will cover it with his hands, or an object (remember, the straw?) will. So you get to work. Since the crotch will be covered, are you going to waste time making a digital cock?! Of course not. Fucking idiot. It’ll be covered up anyways.

Of course, some are idiots and after hearing the above will think I just spoke German in a Hebrew accent after converting it from Punjabi. So to make this explanation easier, let’s use your crotchless theory into perspective with everyone’s beloved Solid Snake:


Solid Snake, fully nude. It appears that his crotch is a
GOD DAMN BLACK VORTEX OF NOTHINGNESS!

But it’s not true. Yoji Shinkawa didn’t have to draw his crotch out. After all, this is only an “M” rated game, and most players of the game don’t really want to see that. Seriously.

But then, people are more willing to believe in dark shadows covering your package rather than the idea that character artists don’t draw out gender parts since people don’t see it normally. So let’s put that into perspective in other ways:


Back in 1995 in the Outer Heaven
mission, everyone had no face and
Solid Snake seemed to glow in the dark.


Also, the heavy transmitter he managed
to carry around for some odd reason
projected “TSK TSK” noises instead of
actual voices! It’s possible that they
were using a different language. Oh, and
the local radio station said a bunch of
Japanese names in “TSK TSK” after they
announced the explosion of Outer Heaven.
Yes, they announced it in “TSK TSK” as well.


In 1999, everyone faced the same
faceless problem. Bullets remained
as four deadly white pixels, too!


In Shadow Moses, Solid Snake found a magic invisible wall. To date,
nobody knows why or HOW the fuck FOX-HOUND put a wall
that Snake managed to get through… and not be able to go back.


Perhaps it was because Solid Snake didn’t care. He had
more serious problems. Such as having no eyes and around
a hundred and one FA-MAS bullets in one magazine clip.

“LOL U USED GAMESHARK 4 101/0 FAMAS BULETZ!!1″ Ok, jackass, explain how you can fully see Raiden’s indecent exposure WITHOUT GameShark, or Action Replay, or whatever, in Sons of Liberty or Substance? That’s right. You can’t.

For the people who are AMAZED by my mysterious findings, The 8-bit games didn’t bother making facial features on their sprites because, well, it’s hard, and it would be pointless. Same with the bullets. Voices might be possible on the MSX2, I’m not sure, but it WOULD take up a lot of system resources and power that it would be dumb. Characters glowed in the dark so you could SEE them when you controlled them. They put the invisible wall there because they didn’t want you going back to the ocean, or whatever. They didn’t put eyes because on the PlayStation hardware, they’d look like shit.

It’s plain as it is simple: don’t take everything that’s in a game serious. I mean, are we going to start saying that The Colonel AI is actually some guy with nothing below the waist (look at The Document of Metal Gear Solid 2′s character model section)?

And if you still don’t believe me:
- President Johnson grabbed his crotch and said “..A MAN?!” not “…NOTHING’S THERE!”
- Raiden got Rose pregnant SOMEHOW. Using SOMETHING.
- You’re fucking dumb.

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