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7224
The 'Soup's Amélie
I will always love you and I try to be a good girl for you, always.
Joined: 23 Mar 2008
Posts: 26570
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Gender: Female
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 Posted: Thu Nov 19, 2009 5:26 pm Post subject:
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...well, Ive always flew by the seat of my pants with other things...I suppose this should be the same type of thing. .... thanks.
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"Now that I have found someone
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Mr. Wolfe
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Joined: 23 May 2008
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Location: Canada
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| Posted: Thu Nov 19, 2009 7:09 pm Post subject:
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| Julia wrote: | I have a question about dating.
Is it better to really get to know someone for weeks or months before you date them, or
Is it better to know them for just a few weeks, feel something and then date and get to know eachother as you go along?
So, some advise? thanks. |
Start dating earlier rather than later. Months? Why go so slowly? As long as you acknowledge that you are still learning about somebody while dating, and that you might not wind up wanting to still be with them, then it's fine.
I also suggest you put that old boyfriend behind you and not let it dictate what's happening now. When you let it affect relationships that's called 'baggage' and it's a turn off, guys don't like being compared to some jackass you used to know. (That's how they would see it)
My advice!
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7224
The 'Soup's Amélie
I will always love you and I try to be a good girl for you, always.
Joined: 23 Mar 2008
Posts: 26570
Warnings: 0
Gender: Female
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| Posted: Thu Nov 19, 2009 7:13 pm Post subject:
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What old boyfriend?
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"Now that I have found someone
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Mr. Wolfe
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Who do you think I am?
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| Posted: Thu Nov 19, 2009 7:15 pm Post subject:
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The guy you're talking about here
| Julia wrote: | | I guess because from 11 to16 I was just about one guy |
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7224
The 'Soup's Amélie
I will always love you and I try to be a good girl for you, always.
Joined: 23 Mar 2008
Posts: 26570
Warnings: 0
Gender: Female
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| Posted: Thu Nov 19, 2009 7:20 pm Post subject:
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| Mr. Wolfe wrote: | The guy you're talking about here
| Julia wrote: | | I guess because from 11 to16 I was just about one guy |
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He is behind me. Although the way he treated me is something I no longer tolerate, in any way, shape or form,..So in some ways he will always be with me as a reminder of what love is not.
About baggage, we all have that., we bring with us all we have experienced, in our family lives, to friendships to lovers., life is like that., especially if you like to always experience it. Is how I see it anyway. Nobody has to be a part of me and my baggage, thats for sure., just as well, I dont have to be a part of theirs either.
EDIT: about comparison...If the shoe fits. Nobody likes to be compared to a jackass, true... they shouldnt act like one either. Ive met a few guys who were alot like my ex, its why we no longer talk.
_________________
"Now that I have found someone
I'm feeling more alone. Than I ever have before." ~ Brick
| Mr. Wolfe wrote: |
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7224
The 'Soup's Amélie
I will always love you and I try to be a good girl for you, always.
Joined: 23 Mar 2008
Posts: 26570
Warnings: 0
Gender: Female
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| Posted: Fri Nov 20, 2009 8:41 am Post subject:
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The past is best left in the past. I dont ask questions of where or who my bf has been or been with, I feel if she meant anything or if their relationship was anything, he wouldnt be with me, nor I with him. I dont talk of my ex bf's with anyone new, but most will question who my male friends are, and some find it odd that some fly over to spend time with me...O well. Life is too short to start cutting out friends for the sake of the comfort of a boyfriend. My friends mean the world to me, and trust is big in relationships, I wouldnt be with him, if I prefered someone else. I hate insecure bf's who cant deal with their gf's having friends.
If people have dated, there are lessons learned, is it baggage? Who knows? Who cares.
Most all have had their hearts broken, it wont kill you, just be glad whoever did break your heart, is gone.
So his name is Dan, and he came out of nowhere. Its nice when someone comes along when you aren't even looking... so far so good.,  I suppose its the deal where we will come to know eachother as we go along, and the way he asked me out was sweet. And really, its nicer to have someone keep you warm when you are out watching a football game...hope he likes to ice skate! =p
_________________
"Now that I have found someone
I'm feeling more alone. Than I ever have before." ~ Brick
| Mr. Wolfe wrote: |
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Mr. Wolfe
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Who do you think I am?
Joined: 23 May 2008
Posts: 1729
Warnings: 2
Location: Canada
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| Posted: Fri Nov 20, 2009 3:37 pm Post subject:
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| Julia wrote: | | Mr. Wolfe wrote: | The guy you're talking about here
| Julia wrote: | | I guess because from 11 to16 I was just about one guy |
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He is behind me. Although the way he treated me is something I no longer tolerate, in any way, shape or form,..So in some ways he will always be with me as a reminder of what love is not. |
Your intolerance is the baggage; it shows he is not behind you and means that your next boyfriend will not have the same opportunities to prove himself as this jackass did. You will say this is good for your own sake (and maybe it is), but the problem is that new guys will see your intolerance as being unfair, considering that they haven't done anything so bad as to deserve it. Somebody else did.
| Quote: | About baggage, we all have that., we bring with us all we have experienced, in our family lives, to friendships to lovers., life is like that., especially if you like to always experience it. Is how I see it anyway. Nobody has to be a part of me and my baggage, thats for sure., just as well, I dont have to be a part of theirs either.
EDIT: about comparison...If the shoe fits. Nobody likes to be compared to a jackass, true... they shouldnt act like one either. Ive met a few guys who were alot like my ex, its why we no longer talk. |
Learning from bad experiences is obviously a good move, and so is figuring out what you don't like, but the reason it's called "baggage" (or, "emotional baggage") is because it's something a person is dragging around for no good reason, interfering with a relationship. And of course it can accumulate over a series of relationships, to the point where you don't tolerate anything... You say "if the shoe fits", but there's also being hypersensitive to a problem due to previous experience, which is exactly like you said, not tolerating something in "any way, shape, or form".
| Quote: | | I dont talk of my ex bf's with anyone new |
I assume you mean new boyfriends, because you certainly mention your ex's frequently when you're explaining the reasons why you don't tolerate some kinds of behavior.
| PRINCE wrote: | | A partner worth a damn will try to be at least sympathetic, but there comes a point where he/she/it realises it isn't their problem. They key is that the person with the baggage realises it before the person on the other end of it does. |
Right. I agree sympathy is fine, but if the person can't get over their past and muster the energy to deal with new issues on their own terms, the next guy will have to always tread lightly to avoid setting off the hypersensitive alarm. And who wants to do that? I assume that's what you were getting at too.
EDIT:
I don't know about anyone else, but I think there is always that moment when you're learning about a girl, and she drops the mention of some old ex... It's just a moment where you think to yourself, "Oh here we go, this explains it." From there on you know you're going to have to constantly jump over the bar this other guy set.
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7224
The 'Soup's Amélie
I will always love you and I try to be a good girl for you, always.
Joined: 23 Mar 2008
Posts: 26570
Warnings: 0
Gender: Female
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| Posted: Fri Nov 20, 2009 4:06 pm Post subject:
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Thats right Mr. Wolfe, I no longer tolerate most things that went on during that relationship, which was btw, a long distance one. Those things I no longer tolerate are the "Im going to kill myself if you ever leave me"(which he did try when I did) talks, the "Im not going to eat for a week because I treated you so badly" times, or..the "I dont deserve you because I treat you like shit and always have since we met" guilt, and the "fuck you's, you're fucking stupid, no you cant have friends, and no fucking way is Mercury to visit you, shit that was the bulk of what I, at the the time tolerated. So yes, when someone says those things, they are red flags to me, and I dont find those things to belong in a healthy relationship. And if anyone has any clue of what went on during this relationship, it would be Mercury, not you. You dont even know a small part of what my ex and I were about. So you can only assume and you assume wrong.
I dont compare one guy to the next guy, but yes,,,,I do look out for some things that are or would not be healthy in a relationship... possessiveness being a big one, paranoia being another, jealousy, insecurities, guilt tripping...just to name a few.
You should remember my age in all this, with a guy almost 4 yrs. my senior. I have learned alot, and I consider myself lucky that I have learned what I did at such a young age. I dont regret any of my relationships, as all have the best of times and the worst of times.
My last bf and I didnt make it because I never had sex with him, it was going on 7 mos. he got tired of waiting, I got tired of trying to find something about him that I loved enough to share something like that with him, that means more to me than just getting laid. He knew that going in, Im a virgin and am going to stay that way until the time is right for me, not for some boy who thinks fucking and sucking is the height of his relationship. I want something more. Im sure he found what he was looking for at college, and one day Ill find what Im looking for in a man too. Im in no hurry.
Dont judge me Mr. Wolfe, unless you know the full details of a relationship that was something very special to me, but who I thought I loved, was unable to handle so much of what a relationship needs to survive. And if anyone who knows me can judge that, like I said, it would be Mercury, and for reasons he knows of..as he knew both my ex, and me.
But thanks for your reply, it was at the very least .... entertaining to read.
Also, you were never in a relationship Mr. Wolfe., after you have been in a few, it will be interesting what you will then deem tolerable in your own relationships...I wonder would even my dress code float with you? I bet not. Watch that baggage....
_________________
"Now that I have found someone
I'm feeling more alone. Than I ever have before." ~ Brick
| Mr. Wolfe wrote: |
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Mr. Wolfe
Hand Gesturer
Who do you think I am?
Joined: 23 May 2008
Posts: 1729
Warnings: 2
Location: Canada
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| Posted: Fri Nov 20, 2009 7:15 pm Post subject:
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| Quote: | | You dont even know a small part of what my ex and I were about. So you can only assume and you assume wrong. |
Know? You're right, I don't know what you two were about... I've heard things here and there, and it's none of my business. Honestly I'm not the least bit interested, either... But what I do know, is that the specific list you just described is a far cry from not tolerating such behavior in "any way, shape, or form".
| Quote: | | I dont compare one guy to the next guy... |
Oh you don't? Perhaps not openly, or even consciously, but there is a whole lot of comparison going on somewhere from what I've seen.
| Quote: | | You should remember my age in all this, with a guy almost 4 yrs. my senior. |
I don't see how age is relevant, considering I'm talking about your current relationships and the potential danger of baggage.
| Quote: | | Dont judge me Mr. Wolfe, unless you know the full details of a relationship that was something very special to me, but who I thought I loved, was unable to handle so much of what a relationship needs to survive. |
Was I judging? I thought you were the one who asked for advice.
I don't need to know the full details of anything in order to form an opinion of it. Even without knowing any of the details (which I don't) I could tell that there is baggage. Girls with no baggage act differently and respond differently. And that's what I'm talking about: general tendancies and matters of principle. Your asking for advice means I felt I could use your example to talk about it, but it would work just as well with hypothetical ones.
| Quote: | | Also, you were never in a relationship Mr. Wolfe., after you have been in a few, it will be interesting what you will then deem tolerable in your own relationships...I wonder would even my dress code float with you? I bet not. Watch that baggage.... Smile |
What are you talking about? Everybody knows that I will only fall in love once, with the perfect woman, and we will be happily married until the day we both die of heart attacks during love making on our 50th anniversay.
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7224
The 'Soup's Amélie
I will always love you and I try to be a good girl for you, always.
Joined: 23 Mar 2008
Posts: 26570
Warnings: 0
Gender: Female
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| Posted: Fri Nov 20, 2009 7:21 pm Post subject:
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Yes, I did ask for advise and Robert V. and "D" gave it. You? You tried to get into something you know nothing about., and no matter how much you quote me, you will never even come close in typing anything true of me...although Im quite sure what you say of yourself is your truth, of which also is none of my business, or anything that would interest me. and much luck to you in finding the perfect woman...lets hope she is a deaf, dumb and blind nymphomaniac., and usually when people offer advise, it comes from their own experiences, not their dreams., or their assumptions.
Guess this means you no longer want to meet me in person., huh?
_________________
"Now that I have found someone
I'm feeling more alone. Than I ever have before." ~ Brick
| Mr. Wolfe wrote: |
There aren't any interesting people on this forum anymore |
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Mr. Wolfe
Hand Gesturer
Who do you think I am?
Joined: 23 May 2008
Posts: 1729
Warnings: 2
Location: Canada
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| Posted: Sat Nov 21, 2009 10:43 pm Post subject:
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| Quote: | | You? You tried to get into something you know nothing about., and no matter how much you quote me, you will never even come close in typing anything true of me... |
You don't know what I'm trying to do; I'm an enigma. Maybe I just wanted to rant about something and found an opportunity here. And, it's not true that I don't know anything about relationships. I've observed how they work, I've heard the stories, and I've been in very short ones... not everybody has to learn through first-hand experience, some people can learn from others mistakes.
Whether what I said of you is true or not, it's the correct analysis of what you've said. However, if you are misrepresenting yourself and your situation, then obviously nobody will be able to give you accurate advice, so I don't feel bad about it.
| Quote: | | although Im quite sure what you say of yourself is your truth, of which also is none of my business, or anything that would interest me |
I know
| Quote: | | and much luck to you in finding the perfect woman blah blah blah |
Thanks, but more than luck, I could use your advice. I know you're an successful expert when it comes to making long-term relationships work, so that would be great. Something like, how I need to give gifts on every occassion, always agree with what she says, lavish her with compliments, listen to all of her pointless problems every day, etc. etc. while she becomes more and more self-centered and intolerant towards me.
| Quote: | | Guess this means you no longer want to meet me in person., huh? |
Guess this is another passive aggressive way of saying you don't want to unless I discard my personality and everything I believe to suit you, huh? But of course I want to meet you -- what human in this world with a pair of testicles isn't dying to meet you in the hopes of spending the rest of their lives with you?
Then both our dating problems would be over!
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7224
The 'Soup's Amélie
I will always love you and I try to be a good girl for you, always.
Joined: 23 Mar 2008
Posts: 26570
Warnings: 0
Gender: Female
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| Posted: Sun Nov 22, 2009 12:07 am Post subject:
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You have testicles?...
FYI...to meet me, you have to have more than that.
Would it be mean of me to say I didnt read your entire post, and only the last 4 lines...?
I hope not. Its not my mean, its my being bored with the things you tend to repeat.
....forgive me, my sweet?
P.S. I wouldnt meet you... I told you that weeks ago. But we can stay the best friends that we are!
_________________
"Now that I have found someone
I'm feeling more alone. Than I ever have before." ~ Brick
| Mr. Wolfe wrote: |
There aren't any interesting people on this forum anymore |
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Mr. Wolfe
Hand Gesturer
Who do you think I am?
Joined: 23 May 2008
Posts: 1729
Warnings: 2
Location: Canada
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| Posted: Sun Nov 22, 2009 12:50 am Post subject:
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| Quote: | Would it be mean of me to say I didnt read your entire post, and only the last 4 lines...?
I hope not. Its not my mean, its my being bored with the things you tend to repeat. |
It's not mean -- in fact I can completely relate. Repeating your juvenile soap opera problems to me every day ad nauseum is more than I care to listen to as well. Thank God I don't have the privelege of hearing "every detail" of your dysfunctional history as you imagine I must in order to understand you.
| Quote: | | P.S. I wouldnt meet you... I told you that weeks ago. But we can stay the best friends that we are! |
You contradict yourself every week... was I supposed to be keeping track?
As for staying friends: do what you want! 
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7224
The 'Soup's Amélie
I will always love you and I try to be a good girl for you, always.
Joined: 23 Mar 2008
Posts: 26570
Warnings: 0
Gender: Female
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| Posted: Sun Nov 22, 2009 1:23 am Post subject:
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I love you too Wolfey.
_________________
"Now that I have found someone
I'm feeling more alone. Than I ever have before." ~ Brick
| Mr. Wolfe wrote: |
There aren't any interesting people on this forum anymore |
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