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The 5 Dumbest Moments in Metal Gear Solid 3: Snake Eater

Editorial by Ravi Singh, Posted on 2005; updated May 11, 2006

The Top Ten Dumbest Moments in the Metal Gear series was written way before Metal Gear Solid 3: Snake Eater was released. Which is a bummer, since there were quite a few dumb moments in Snake Eater. Instead of deleting some of the dumb moments in my previous article, I thought, “Why not just make a Top 5 list for Snake Eater instead?”

And so I did.

#5 – “The End of the Fury”

Not much to say here, except the whole thing where after Snake kills The Fury, his (or is it?) ghosts chase him out of the room. I mean, not just one, but two.

Looks like he can suck a mean cock.

…try topping this, Kitamura, you poser.

Shit, I wish I can make two flaming faces chase my murderer away if someone ever manages to kill me.

#4 – “They Goofed. The Trolly Has Moved!”

American Kapitalist Pig Majik!
(EDIT: Okay it’s not magic, I fucked up)

For the length of time it took to make this game, the game is really well done. But some mistakes are just like… whoa.

For one, quip the Survival Knife and grab a guard and interrogate him. Congratulations. Snake has mastered magic. If you haven’t noticed, he now has TWO GOD DAMNED KNIVES. One just appears out of nowhere.

(UPDATE: I have gotten numerous e-mails regarding the above fact to be “not stupid” and in fact, rational. Naked Snake did actually have two knives. However, I will continue to be a bitch about the fact that he’s using two knives by pointing out that it is not a proper CQC move to use two knives to hold an enemy, but rather to use the other knife when you are pinned against something such as a wall. Ha! Okay, okay, it’s not that big of a deal though as there are, indeed, variations of CQC, so in the long run, it doesn’t matter.)

During the spooky march upstream with The Sorrow, you cannot get in contact with anyone via Radio. Except for EVA. She’s just that fuckable.

You just have to love the really bad syncing in the part after Snake gets interrogated and The Boss walks up to him to say something. Holding R1, you see The Boss’ lips move and you wonder “What could the bitch be saying?” Then, finally, an actual word comes out of her: “RUN!” Thanks, Boss. I was actually considering staying here for tea and scones with Volgin, maybe even try to get my salad tossed, but I guess I should run, indeed…

…and god damn, is it that hard to spell the name of the country that has your biggest fanbase? “United Snates” does seem catchy though, and most people don’t even notice this typo in the timeline before the credits.

#3 – “They’re Like Honey Nut Cheerios!”

Young Ocelot uses his revolvers to summon the hornets into their spinning death.

The Pain sends his mighty army of hornets to disrupt the dual between Ocelot and Snake. Why? Who knows. What a bastard.

But little does The Pain know that these hornets are attracted to… whatever it is that lures them to fly right into Ocelot’s spinning revolvers, which instantly kills them. Now don’t get me wrong, I liked this scene, probably because I love revolver tricks, but it’s ridiculous to see hornets, all of them, flying right into Ocelot’s fucking revolvers as if they are being hypnotized. As if they are sick of life and are like “Eh, whatever, at least we can die in style.” What the hell? If I was a hornet, I’d be like “Dude, fuck you guys. I’m gonna fly right into his eye, sting him, and chill in his beret. Late.” Then, I will do just that, and all that bullshit that went down in Shadow Moses wouldn’t be that bad, and the same with the events afterwards.

I’d be an awesome hornet.

#2 – “The Furious Fury”

Yes, even though I already discussed the whole ghost thing, The Fury has to be the most random and unnecessary character in this game…

Am I supposed to feel grateful, sorry, or fearing for my life? I mean, I can’t say I missed you. …who ARE you, anyways?

I mean, first off… what the hell would he do in the Cobra Unit? Jetpacks weren’t really available for use in World War II. Someone suggested he’s the pilot for the crew. Maybe that’s why he’s so pissed. I mean, at least when Fred drove The Mystery Machine in Scooby Doo, he was getting it on with Daphne, and perhaps Velma at times, too. I doubt The Boss was down for this guy, and everyone else is just out of the question, except… The Fear… which, maybe I’m just assuming here, but I bet regardless of what your sexual orientation is, you would totally not be down for The Fear. That would make anyone mad.

Which leads to another thing. Why is he so fucking angry? Something about coming back from space and seeing the world in flames? I’m sorry, but that’s no excuse to be a misanthropist. It’s really depressing that the boss fight itself is fun and the guy who does is voice, Richard Doyle, actually does a good job saying the lines, since the character itself is so damn out of place and almost thrown in.

Here’s what I got about the character:

He’s The Fury. He went to space. Saw fire. Got pissed. Came back and he’s angry. …and a pyromaniac.

Could I turn that into a haiku? Nah. Vogan poetry? Perhaps…

When he first meets Snake, he talks about himself and then, out of nowhere, he takes his flamethrower and… torches the ceiling. For no good reason. He does kill around five bats but I don’t think that was his purpose. He wanted to look… furious… then he continues talking. What the fuck? If he just suddenly burnt Snake up I would have laughed, but that was just puzzling. ‘ROID RAGE!!!


#1 – “Backfired Interrogation”

Sure, you might be the “pitcher” in your relationship with Raikov, you did pump EVA in the wrong hole, most likely without any lube, and you like torturing people but… damn, aren’t you the bitch now?

I don’t know about you, but if I was interrogating someone, chances are, it would be THAT person giving out information, not me.

Such is not that case for the sadist Colonel Volgin. Instead of getting any information at all after beating the shit out of Snake and then electrocuting him, he instead gives out something very important and significant:

Volgin – “Admit it! You’re after the location of the Legacy! The secret fund established by the three Great Powers during the two World Wars. That’s what you’re looking for isn’t it? One hundred billion dollars. Divided up and hidden all over the world. And you’re looking for a record of where all that money is hidden, right? No matter. The Philosopher’s Legacy is safely in my possession, in the underground vault of Groznyj Grad.

Really? Information about where I can find a fuckload of money in the underground vault? Gee, thanks. Now if Snake even had a fucking clue as to what this “Legacy” is, he would know where it is. What if he is working with someone? I mean, Volgin DOES realize that there is a spy among his people. That spy could be in the very same room. As we all know, EVA listened very carefully and eventually snatched the Legacy. Or something. I won’t even get into that.

I mean, if he put some traps down there and The Philosopher’s Legacy is actually somewhere else, then what a genius (which he obviously didn’t since EVA got it), but damn, talk about fucking up the entire point of interrogating someone. Obviously his only intention of beating up Snake was… to beat him up. A possible fetish? Sick.

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