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I Typed up This Stupid Shit for April Fools Last Year and Decided It Was Lame so Here It Is for This Year

What you have here is the as-is draft that I never completed for what was going to be our April Fools Joke in 2015. The idea was to publish this and then immediately release a video… which we never completed. The basis of the video became our editorial “A Few Things to Clear Up Before Metal Gear Solid V: The Phantom Pain”. In retrospect it was much more fitting as an editorial anyways.

I felt like this “joke” sucked and decided to do something more productive at the time instead like mopping my kitchen floor. I had other stupid ideas for this year’s April Fools, such as a fake endorsement for someone running in the 2016 United States Presidential election using Metal Gear references. I decided to avoid a George Soros-sponsored protest over a stupid fucking joke and thus put no effort this year by simply publishing the draft for what was going to be last year’s joke.

- Ravi Singh, April 1, 2016

1984 cannot come any sooner with the epic wrap to the Metal Gear Solid saga coming to an end on September 1, 2015. I am of course talking about the upcoming Metal Gear Solid V: The Phantom Pain for PlayStation 3, PlayStation 4, Xbox 360, Xbox One and Steam. Fans are wondering how to prepare for this latest installment to the franchise and its way too troublesome to do your own research so luckily I am here to tell you how to live your life. Here are the games that you must play before even considering preordering the collector’s version of Metal Gear Solid V: The Phantom Pain on Amazon.com now.

METAL GEAR SOLID 3: SNAKE EATER

When Metal Gear Solid 2: Sons of Liberty came out everyone was overly excited for the second MGS but what we ended up getting was the second MGS and The Plant Chapter. Hideo Kojima, the master ruse he is, told everyone that Solid Snake was going to be in the game. He was. But we ended up playing as Raiden and unlike the Raiden of today in the riveting Metal Gear Rising: Revengeance, the Raiden in MGS2 was just somebody fans could not relate to.


Has Kojima ever even seen how any of his fans look like naked? smh

Metal Gear Solid 3: Snake Eater changed that by letting us play as Snake again. This is crucial because it means we will be playing as Snake in MGSV. Kojima decided that instead of trolling us in his games and ruining them, he will now troll us by ruining Konami’s stock.

METAL GEAR SOLID: PORTABLE OPS

A lot of Kojima fanboys will try to tell you that you can skip this. Do not listen to them. In Metal Gear Solid: Peace Walker, Kaz Miller informs Solid Snake that “Finally, we can leave all that crap in San Hieronymo behind…” the crap he speaks of is of course the events which take place in Portable Ops which takes place on the San Hieronymo peninsula.


After this you can quit the game.

As a matter of fact, outside of that little line from Miller and a few missions which I will talk about later, you can actually skip Peace Walker and jump straight into Metal Gear Solid V: Ground Zeroes. Portable Ops is the missing link between MGS3 and Metal Gear. It also explains who Paz and Chico are. Without it, Ground Zeroes makes little sense. Hideo Kojima called it “the most essential part of the Metal Gear Solid franchise saga.”

METAL GEAR SOLID V: GROUND ZEROES

Without playing this you will not understand that Snake wants revenge in The Phantom Pain. If you are busy playing Bloodbourne right now, during a loading screen you can load this up and finish it while you wait. Unfortunately I can understand why you would not want to because you are paying for a demo.

MESAL GEAR SOLID: APE ESCAPE

I do not mean to spoil the ending of Ground Zeroes for you, but the helicopter crashes on the way back. Ape Escape 3 has a mini game called Mesal Gear Solid which actually takes place immediately after this time period. Roy Campbell (introduced in Portable Ops) cannot find Snake so he asks Professor to help him. The Professor then send Pipo Snake into the crash site. Unfortunately Snake gets into a coma after the ending. This is David Hayter’s last performance as Snake, chronologically speaking.

METAL GEAR SOLID: PEACE WALKER

As I mentioned when talking about Portable Ops, you actually do not really need to play Peace Walker to get MGSV. In fact, a lot of Peace Walker is already being retconned by MGSV, which seems to basically be a replacement for Peace Walker. That is why Snake does not change his name to Big Boss, why the Metal; Gear looks just like ZEKE with REX’s head, and why they just build another Mother Base for Diamond Dogs.


If you are going to play Metal Gear Solid V, do you really need to play a game that was going to be called Metal Gear Solid 5?

However there are parts that are still important to the story. These are: Main-Ops 004, 007, 012 and Extra-Ops 121-128. The Extra-Ops in particular are the most important because they explain Snake’s history of imagining entities which really do not exist and in fact I made a theory on /r/MetalGearSolid explaining that Ishmael is Trenya’s true form.

METAL GEAR RISING: REVENGEANCE

MGSV’s themes include “revenge” and “race.” Both of these themes are present in Revengeance, which symbolizes how even after decades of technology changes, the human condition never changes and we are all just racist revengers. There is a scene where Raiden appropriates Mexican culture, just like how Snake appropriated Latino culture by consuming Mate in Peace Walker and mass marketing it within Mother Base.


Even Jack’s blood has white privilege.

Hideo Kojima said that “Metal Gear Rising is exactly my vision for what happens after Metal Gear Solid 4 and both Rising and The Phantom Pain make up as a whole Metal Gear Solid V. Ground Zeroes is actually not my vision anymore.” Konami has said that Kojima is “100% behind.”

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