I prefer using Chaff Grenades or rolling over them, but that's a different game.
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Metal Gear Solid: Touch
Review
By Ravi Singh
Posted on December 2, 2009
Author's note: I have received many complaints regarding my recent editorials
on Metal Gear titles and how my opinions are rather "inflammatory," "negative,"
and that by posting them I am "trolling." As of such I have decided to release
two versions of my review. The following is the unedited review. If you would
like to read the edited review because my opinion really doesn't matter,
feel free to do so.
"A NEXT METAL GEAR IS..." was a hyping campaign that made it seem like the
next Metal Gear title would be a full-on Metal Gear video game possibly on the
Xbox 360. So when it was announced that A NEXT METAL GEAR is a touch-shooting
game for the iPod Touch and iPhone that is loosely based on Metal Gear Solid 4:
Guns of the Patriots everyone realized that they got trolled by Hideo Kojima.
Admirably, I probably didn't give a fuck because I didn't own an iPhone or an
iPod Touch. I do use a cell phone but while having the internet available to you
virtually anywhere sounds great, the cost of having an iPhone and it's mandatory
features aren't worth it to me. Likewise, I already owned an iPod. Sure, it doesn't
have a touch screen but it holds 80GB and has yet to fail me.
After testing out the iPod Touch for two weeks, I still prefer my old fat
80GB iPod.
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Anyways I then realized that my sister got one from her husband as a present
a year or two ago so I borrowed it. Clearly she should have gotten an iPod Classic
as her firmware was not updated to run apps. Fuck, she didn't even set the fucker
up for Wi-Fi. She pretty much has been using the iPod Touch solely as a music
player. Apple told me that I had to pay $9.99 to upgrade the firmware to 3.00
which would have allowed me to run apps. I managed to trick iTunes by downloading
3.00 firmware for iPhones (which is free) and then running an Apple program
to fix iPods to download the real 3.00 as the iPhone firmware obviously wouldn't
work on the iPod Touch.
In retrospect it's reasonable to expect people to pay $10 to get the ability
to pay more money to play some games but... actually I have absolutely nothing
bad to say about this because Apple loves it's user base.
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The game was being sold for only $2.99 which definitely softened the blow
the game would have given me if it was still $7.99. And no, by blow, I don't
mean anything good. No sitting back and letting someone service you or even
snorting lines. I mean a fist in your fucking face. Recently the price has
been lowered to even $.99 and at these prices I honestly can't even discourage
someone from buying it even if it was a horrible port of Snake's Revenge.
Of course I'm not here to review the iPod Touch and how iTunes and the App
Store work, am I? Ultimately, Metal Gear Solid: Touch is basically a touch-shooting
game with a Metal Gear Solid 4: Guns of the Patriots theme. The bitterness
I feel actually doesn't necessarily come from the game itself but rather the
way it was promoted. The game was advertised as "A next Metal Gear,"
"MGS4 in the palm of your hand," and pretty much "Metal Gear Solid
4 for the iPhone / iPod Touch." The only accurate thing the promotional
materials claimed was "MGS4 x Shooting" but even that is a bit of a
stretch as it's even completely different from playing MGS4 like a generic
shooting game.
The game may look easy but it's actually challenging. For starters, I
only got a FOX rank here because that's the only way to beat this particular
mission. Then again after finishing the game I really didn't care about
getting better ranks.
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After finally being able to put the Metal Gear Solid: Touch app I purchased
onto the iPod Touch, it was time to tap on Old Snake's face, put on my headphones,
and get this show started. After going through the KONAMI and Kojima Productions
logos I definitely was not prepared for the other blow that had nothing
to do with the price or even the gameplat. My sister's iPod Touch doesn't
have a physical knob or whatever to adjust the volume. So when the title
screen rolled out...
...I literally tugged out my headphones and squeezed my ears to give them
some sort of relief from this. I also nearly shat my pants. Now I know later
models of the iPod Touch and iPhone have buttons to allow the user to adjust
the volume, but I'm wondering if the developers were able to implement volume
adjustment in-game or not. If they did, then what the fuck Kojima Productions?
If not, then fuck you, Apple.
Look, I'm used to this sort of presentation since MGS2: Substance's
Snake Tales. Sometimes though I wonder why they even bothered though.
This "cutscene" for example implies that Raiden is going to help you
out. No. Too bad you actually never see him in-game. This applies to
a lot of other scenes.
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After adjusting the volume using the iPod's music playback feature (it
is, afterall, a music player) I start the game and the Mk.II pops up and
gives me advice. I of course read the text in my head in Otacon's voice
although I wonder if people who have downloaded this and have no idea
what the fuck the Mk.II even is thinks of all of this. Then comes the
realization that not only are there no voiceovers (at all), but there
are no cutscenes. Instead we get an screencapture from a cutscene, some
music, and a bunch of text. It works but it's really not necessary for
them to even try. I mean they barely manage to summarize the plot and
often throw in things that make me say, "Really?" while omitting details
I would consider important to the plot.
Wait, what the fuck? This didn't happen in the game!
The game takes advantage of the touch interface. Using your fingers you
move the cursor around the prerendered backdrop and tap to fire a bullet.
You then swipe two fingers together to zoom in using a sniping rifle.
You are required to use the sniper rifle because some enemies are further
away and for some reason your assault rifle's bullets disintegrate within
twenty feet. The last time I remember something like this happening was
when I played the hilarious NES remake of Metal Gear.
The gameplay, for the most part, is similar to that of a shooting gallery:
enemies pop out and you take them down. If you take too long they will
fire their weapons. Most of the time having Snake duck has him hiding
behind cover and slowly regaining health. Later on the game begins to
throw you in locations where helicopters and even Gekkos destroy your
cover. There are even times where you are simply in a location with no
cover, forcing you to take down every target on the screen.
Some missions move Snake in different locations. Sometimes they will relocate
Snake to an area with no cover for him to duck behind.
This makes absolutely no fucking sense and is really kind of a cheap way
to make these specific missions have difficult parts.
Sometimes a little Kerotan frog ala Snake Eater and Metal Gear Online
pops up and shooting it gives you Stealth camouflage. Snake does turn
invisible but it seems like the enemies still know where he is. This is
because Stealth camouflage in this game is called that just to fit in
the "MGS" theme. In reality it's more similar to the "Starman" of the
Super Mario Bros games as it's just a timed invincibility power-up. That's
okay but sometimes hitting a Kerotan gives you an RPG-7. When you have
an RPG-7 you cannot duck behind cover or simply switch back to your assault
rife or sniper rifle until you fire off your RPG-7 round. It also zooms
in like a sniper rifle, fucking up your view. It's obnoxious to see a
power-up and not know if it'll be beneficial or a hinder to you. I can't
think of any time invincibility would be a hinder, but there are plenty
of times where you really don't want to be forced to use a weapon that
slows your movement, zooms you in, and prevents you from hiding behind
cover. The other power-ups, Rations, are given when you shoot the GA-KO
ducks. GA-KO ducks are always Rations, so no complaints here over them.
Invisibility or Invincibility?
"Whoops I thought I was getting STEALTH INVINCIBILITY
but instead I got an RPG-7 and the helicopter I would actually use it
on is already leaving so I guess
I better use it quick before that enemy fires at me because I can't hide
behind cover with this thing." There shouldn't be this kind of dilemma
over a power-up.
As I mentioned, the game isn't anything near "MGS4." Now only an idiot
after seeing even a screenshot or two would expect stealth gameplay here
let alone anything that resembles Metal Gear Solid 4, but Konami advertised
it as such. The first half of the game sticks to the shooting gallery
gameplay rather strictly and as a result hinders the plot. Remember following
Naomi in Act 2, or following the whistling guy and riding bitch in Big
Mama's motorbike in Act 3? Yeah well that doesn't really happen in Metal
Gear Solid Touch.
They do keep some of the boss battles in here although injecting Vamp
to grant him mortality is noticeably absent. You do however get to destroy
a fuck-load of self-destruct Gekkos using a rail-gun. Likewise the REX
vs RAY battle is in the game.
Unfortunately, this is the closest thing we get to Ocelot's hilarious
antics in Guns of the Patriots:
It's interesting but the game actually starts to alter it's gameplay formula
to accommodate MGS4's story after the battle with Crying Wolf. The only
mission that seems like the rest of the game is the battle with Screaming
Mantis and even with her you pretty much defeat her the same way you do
in Guns of the Patriots--get her Psycho Mantis doll, use it on her, and
shake the fuck out of your controller. Or in this case, the iPod. The
gameplay still ends with a fist fight...
...and that's that.
Not even Big Boss wakes up for this ending.
You want my opinion? The game is good. No. It's great. Well it was great when they called it Duck Hunt. But considering what
I paid (about $3), the platform it's on, the kind of game it actually
is and other games for said platform, Metal Gear Solid: Touch is a great
game and if you want a shooting gallery of sorts for your iPhone/iPod
Touch, this is a great buy especially since it's practically $1 now. If
it's being sold at it's normal price, which is around $8, I'm not so sure
if it is worth it since for a few dollars more you can get Metal Gear
Solid from PSN and play it on the PSP. Touch pales in comparison to Metal
Gear Solid because it's not a Metal Gear game by any means. Is it fair
to compare Touch with any of the Metal Gear Solid games? If it's fair
for Konami, it's fair for me.
The Legend of Zelda series has a game similar to this one for the Wii
called "Link's Crossbow Training." Nintendo was completely honest about
this game though. It wasn't Twilight Princess even though it used it's
gameplay engine, graphics, locations and sounds. It wasn't even called
"The Legend of Zelda." It was just a good quick shooting game packaged
with a controller attachment obviously to drive sales of that particular
attachment. On the other hand, Metal Gear Solid: Touch was advertised
as a Metal Gear Solid game on the iPod Touch / iPhone. They literally
played it of as Metal Gear Solid 4 on a handheld.
That's pretty much my gripe. Besides a few hiccups the game plays good.
You just have to wonder why they even bothered with the Metal Gear Solid
4: Guns of the Patriots Cliffnotes though.
I mean, really, why? Couldn't they just have called it "MGS: Solid Snake
Shooter" and have no story? Was it that crucial to tie in MGS4? What the
fuck's the point? Why not start a new intellectual property? Why not make
it a Metal Gear spin-off--or just span the entire series rather than just
Guns of the Patriots? They weren't planning on ripping graphics and some
music from MGS4 to make a shooting game and then release it so that Metal
Gear fans purchase this just because it says "Metal Gear Solid" on it,
right?
...
Oh.
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