This is at least meant to be comical. (Right? Please?)
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Editorial:
The 5 Dumbest Moments in
Metal Gear Solid 4: Guns of the Patriots
By Ravi Singh
Posted on September 01, 2008
Despite the high scores that got shat out by the media for Metal Gear Solid
4: Guns of the Patriots (most of which, in my opinion, the game does deserve)
it's not perfect. I've already given my review on this, so all that's left is
to point out some fucking dumb things like I did for previous titles in the series.
Well, I didn't do this sort of thing for Portable Ops, but that's because I would
never be able to finish it.
I can point out things like how Ocelot had somebody build a Mt Rushmore-like object
on the side of his Arsenal Gear, or the fact that your weapon of choice might
be switched by a fucking Operator or M4, but why waste your time? I'm going to
focus on things you probably haven't really thought about in regards to stupid
shit in Guns of the Patriots. Then again, some things are just too fucking dumb
to ignore, such as...
#5 INSTALLING GAMES
"Do not leave the disc in a hot or humid place such as near a heater or inside
a car." Or how about inside my PLAYSTATION 3 while it's fucking installing
for the 18,298,127th time?!?!
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You know, there was one thing I hated during the late 1990's about video
games... loading screens. By the time of the PlayStation 2, though, not only
were we used to loading times, but they actually were improved by far thanks
to the DVD format. Then the PlayStation 3 comes in with it's fucking 2X Blu-ray
drive to slow things down.
Now it would be unfair of me to blame Metal Gear Solid 4 for things that are
actually issues with the hardware. It's like bitching that the original Metal
Gear games were 8-bit. Nor would it be fair to bitch about installing Metal
Gear Solid 4 in general. Without the installation, the loading times would be
even worse than they alredy are.
No, the problem with Metal Gear Solid 4: Guns of the Patriots' installations
is the fact that they never end unless you don't want to play the game any more.
Most of you did not even realize this until you beat the game and wanted to
do another run. Yeah, more installing. See, even on a PC, when you run an installation,
you're fucking done unless you have to download an update or something. Guns
of the Patriots is not updating anything--it's overwriting a previous installation.
This is an endless loop of installations.
Yeah fuck you, jackass.
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Why, Konami? I can understand having this as an option for those who are
conservative about their useless harddrive space, but most of us would rather
have one fat installation file and leave it at that. Instead, we have to deal
with Snake smoking everytime we want to play an act that is not currently
installed.
The fact that Otacon has the fucking nerve to make fun of Metal Gear Solid's
disc swap due to 1998 technology is a bigger slap in the face. It takes less
than a minute to open the PlayStation's CD tray (or press EJECT on the PlayStation
2, PlayStation 3, PC running an emulator, etc), take out the disc, put it
back in it's case, take out the disc labeled DISC TWO, put it in the tray,
close the tray (or press EJECT again) and press start. The installations,
on the other hand, take at least one minute and must be done five times through
every playthrough. As cute as it was, the "TIME TO CHANGE THE DISC LOL" comment
is like George W. Bush making a joke about how his father handled the 1991
Gulf War.
#4 RETURN OF ROSEMARY
If the fact that Snake can only call two people on his codec isn't enough
to make Metal Gear veterans to go "What," how about the fact that one of them
is Rosemary, who offers advice that all basically comes down to obvious shit?
NO, FUCK YOU!
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Low health means low psyche!
Eating good food makes you feel good!
Unless you're in the shade, you'll be hot!
It's stressful when the enemy is looking for you!
Carrying a bunch of shit will feel heavy!
Listen to your iPod!
Blah blah blah!
The only reason why you should bother calling the bitch is for the conversation
where Snake actually hangs up on her, and if you're into this sort of thing,
the fact that her tits will bounce when you shake your SIX-AXIS. Too bad
all she has is a wardrobe of five sweaters that are thin enough to have
her nipples pop out. Campbell knows how to deal with Rose the best... by
keeping her in the kitchen.
#3 RETURN OF DOCTOR MA... WHAT THE FUCK HE'S SUPPOSED TO BE DEAD!
In the classic Metal Gear games there was a fellow by the name of Dr.
Ivo Pettrovich Madnar. He had a beard, a daughter, and was forced to make
Metal Gear TX-55, which was indestructible unless you placed explosives
on it's feet in a certain order. What? Anyways after being rescued by Solid
Snake, he randomly decided that TX-55 was fucking bad-ass and so he decided
to find Big Boss... and turn him into a fucking cyborg!
No, I'm not even going to get into that because it was never even mentioned
in Guns of the Patriots. Big Boss--cyborg or not--was thrilled to see Madnar
and let him build Metal Gear D, which was more easily destroyed but could
actually shoot missiles and stuff, for Zanzibar Land. When Solid Snake infiltrates
Zanzibar Land, Madnar decided to play the bitch and act like he was a hostage
along with the real hostage who conveniently could not speak any of the
100 or so languages Solid Snake is apparently fluent in.
This is Snake's reaction to hearing a name of a man who should be dead
by his own hands god damn it.
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Long story short, Madnar killed this hostage and then decided it would
be genius to jump on Solid Snake and fucking hump him to death while choking
him. Solid Snake, however, is no ordinary man. He decided to get the asphyxiating
cunt off of him by running over mines and firing missiles at his back.
All of that is fine for a 1990 game. He finally falls off and starts being
all like "oh man my daughter wouldn't like walking nuclear tanks and shit"
and then he passes away.
Except he didn't. He instead passed out, only to wake up later, walk out,
take the elevator back up, and leave Zanzibar Land, turning Raiden into
a fucking cyborg ninja years later to save his life. Now what makes this
dumb? Isn't it cool how they actually made a reference to one of the classic
titles?
Well first off, Solid Snake doesn't seem to show any sign that he has
at least heard the fucking name "Madnar" before. Second, how old is this
fucker now? He's old in 1995. He's relly old in 1999. God damn.
What about his daughter, Ellen? Did she ever get married like he dreamed?
Why was he not found by The Patriots, considering that it was known to
FOX-HOUND that he was working for Big Boss? Plus, what the fuck, does
he live next door to Big Momma or some shit?
It doesn't matter. For no reason at all, the guy's back. Of course, they
could have at least thrown in a "Madnar?!" from Snake, or just referred
to Madnar as a "she" implying that his daughter is a cybernetics expert.
But no, they just drop his name and leave it at that. While Big Boss'
resurrection is due to some hilarious antics and amateur plastic surgery,
at least they explain it. Madnar's ability to survive some missiles and
mines needs none, according to Kojima.
This happened sometime between Snake's battle with Metal Gear D and
him leaving behind Holly White's warmed up pussy:
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Then again, it could have been worse. They could have somehow made it
seem like he was Sokolov.
#2 DREBIN'S BEDTIME STORIES
...and her VERB!
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Drebin is one swank ass motherfucker. He knows how to dress, talk,
save awful weddings, and make people trust him enough to let him inject
some shit in them, such as nanomachines. He also either has a fatty
erection for the Beauty and the Beast Unit, or likes to write fanfiction
about them, because everytime Snake takes one down, he decides to
call him and explain everything.
Which is fine, except for the fact that it's practically the same
fucking sob story. See for yourself. All you have to do is fill in
the words, push the button, and you'll get yourself a nice story in
a pop-up. Just imagine Khary Payton reading it as Drebin:
Throw in a "oh hay nice weapon keep it bro no charge
lol" once in a while to freshen it up, and you've got
yourself an endless supply of backstories for the Beauty
and the Beast Unit members.
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