Editorial:
The 5 Dumbest Moments in Metal Gear Solid 3: Snake Eater
By Ravi Singh
Posted on 2005; updated May 11, 2006
The Top Ten Dumbest Moments in the Metal Gear series was written
way before Metal Gear Solid 3: Snake Eater was released. Which is a bummer, since
there were quite a few dumb moments in Snake Eater. Instead of deleting some of
the dumb moments in my previous article, I thought, "Why not just make a Top 5 list
for Snake Eater instead?"
And so I did.
#5 - "The End of the Fury"
Not much to say here, except the whole thing where after Snake kills The Fury,
his (or is it?) ghosts chase him out of the room. I mean, not just one, but two.
Looks like he can suck a mean cock.
...try topping this, Kitamura, you poser.
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Shit, I wish I can make two flaming faces chase my murderer away if someone ever
manages to kill me.
American Kapitalist Pig Majik!
(EDIT: Ok, ok, it's not magic, I fucked up)
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#4 - "They Goofed. The Trolly Has Moved!"
For the length of time it took to make this game, the game is really well done.
But some mistakes are just like... whoa.
For one, quip the Survival Knife and grab a guard and interrogate him. Congratulations.
Snake has mastered magic. If you haven't noticed, he now has TWO GOD DAMNED KNIVES.
One just appears out of nowhere.
(EDIT 05/11/06: I have gotten numerous e-mails regarding the above fact to be "not
stupid" and in fact, rational. Naked Snake did actually have two knives. However,
I will continue to be a bitch about the fact that he's using two knives by pointing
out that it is not a proper CQC move to use two knives to hold an enemy, but rather
to use the other knife when you are pinned against something such as a wall. Ha!
Ok, ok, it's not that big of a deal though as there are, indeed, variations of CQC,
so in the long run, it doesn't matter.)
During the spooky march upstream with The Sorrow, you cannot get in contact with
anyone via Radio. Except for EVA. She's just that fuckable.
And you just have to love the really bad syncing in the part after Snake gets interrogated
and The Boss walks up to him to say something. Holding R1, you see The Boss' lips
move and you wonder "What could the bitch be saying?" Then, finally, an actual word
comes out of her: "RUN!" Thanks, Boss. I was actually considering staying here for
tea and scones with Volgin, maybe even try to get my salad tossed, but I guess I
should run, indeed...
...and god damn, is it that hard to spell the name of the country that has your
biggest fanbase? "United Snates" does seem catchy though, and most people don't
even notice this typo in the timeline before the credits.
Young Ocelot uses his revolvers to summon the hornets into their spinning
death.
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#3 - "They're Like Honey Nut Cheerios!"
The Pain sends his mighty army of hornets to disrupt the dual between Ocelot
and Snake. Why? Who knows. What a bastard.
But little does The Pain know that these hornets are attracted to... whatever it
is that lures them to fly RIGHT INTO Ocelot's spinning revolvers, which instantly
kills them. Now don't get me wrong, I liked this scene, probably because I love
revolver tricks, but it's ridiculous to see hornets, all of them, flying right into
Ocelot's fucking revolvers as if they are being hypnotized. As if they are sick
of life and are like "Eh, whatever, at least we can die in style." What the hell?
If I was a hornet, I'd be like "Dude, fuck you guys. I'm gonna fly right into his
eye, sting him, and chill in his beret. Late." Then, I will do just that, and all
that bullshit that went down in Shadow Moses wouldn't be that bad, and the same
with the events afterwards.
I'd be an awesome hornet.
#2 - "The Furious Fury"
Yes, even though I already discussed the whole ghost thing, The Fury has to
be the most random and unnecessary character in this game...
Am I supposed to feel grateful, sorry, or fearing for my life?
I mean, I can't say I missed you. ...who ARE you, anyways?
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I mean, first off... what the hell would he do in the Cobra Unit? Jetpacks weren't
really available for use in World War II. Someone suggested he's the pilot for the
crew. Maybe that's why he's so pissed. I mean, at least when Fred drove The Mystery
Machine in Scooby Doo, he got road-head from Daphne, and perhaps Velma at times,
too. I doubt The Boss was down for this guy, and everyone else is just out of the
question, except... The Fear... which, maybe I'm just assuming here, but I bet that
even if you were gay or bi or have a vagina, you would totally not be down. That
would make anyone mad.
Which leads to another thing. Why is he so fucking angry? Something about
coming back from space and seeing the world in flames? I'm sorry, but that's no
excuse to be a misanthropist. It's really depressing that the guy who does is voice
(Richard Doyle) actually does a good job saying the lines, since the character itself
sucks.
Here's what I got about the character:
He's The Fury.
He went to space. Saw fire. Got pissed.
Came back and he's angry.
...and a pyromaniac.
Could I turn that into a haiku? Nah. Vogan poetry? Perhaps...
When he first meets Snake, he talks about himself and then, out of nowhere, he takes
his flamethrower and... torches the ceiling. For no good reason. He does kill around
five bats but I don't think that was his purpose. He wanted to look... furious...
then he continues talking. What the fuck? If he just suddenly burnt Snake up I would
have laughed, but that was just puzzling. 'ROID RAGE!!!
I'M SO FURIOUS THAT I RANDOMLY SET THE
ROOF ON FIRE! GRRR! DON'T MESS, 'YA PUSSY!
I'MA GONNA RUN YOU OVER IN MA TRUCK!
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Sure, you might be the "pitcher" in your relationship with Raikov, you did
pump EVA in the wrong hole, most likely without any lube, and you like torturing
people but... damn, aren't you the bitch now?
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#1 - "Backfired Interrogation"
I don't know about you, but if I was interrogating someone, chances are, it
would be THAT person giving out information, not me.
Such is not that case for the sadist Colonel Volgin. Instead of getting any information
at all after beating the shit out of Snake and then electrocuting him, he instead
gives out something very important and significant:
"Admit it! You're after the location of the Legacy! The secret fund established
by the three Great Powers during the two World Wars. That's what you're looking
for isn't it? One hundred billion dollars. Divided up and hidden all over the world.
And you're looking for a record of where all that money is hidden, right? No matter.
The Philosopher's Legacy is safely in my possession, in the underground vault
of Groznyj Grad."
Really? Information about where I can find a fuckload of money in the underground
vault? Gee, thanks. Now if Snake even had a fucking clue as to what this "Legacy"
is, he would know where it is. What if he is working with someone? I mean, Volgin
DOES realize that there is a spy among his people. That spy could be in the very
same room. As we all know, EVA listened very carefully and eventually snatched the
Legacy. Or something. I won't even get into that.
I mean, if he put some traps down there and The Philosopher's Legacy is actually
somewhere else, then what a genius (which he obviously didn't since EVA got it),
but damn, talk about fucking up the entire point of interrogating someone. Obviously
his only intension of beating up Snake was... to beat him up. A possible fetish?
Sick.
Please don't send me e-mails how The Fury was awesome, or how they spelled "United
States" wrong on purpose, or that you think I'm a homophobe, or something else that
you think is even more stupid... I don't care.
Thanks to M. Alkalili for the screenshots.
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